Brain Dump

No matter how hard I try not to, I still hate how deeply I feel things. I hate that I see my old friends and my heart pounds and stings with the memories of how they’ve hurt me. I hate that I can’t keep the switch turned on “cherish the memories” and that sometimes it slips to “there’s bad ones too though.” It’ll never not be a blessing and a curse.

And I hate how much I talk about it you know. Any and every little thing reminds me of some experience tied to my ex friends. Then boom I’m talking my friend’s ear off about some shit we’ve talked about a thousand times. It happened in March, but it had been happening months before then.

The way I forgave and moved on over and over to be discarded the moment I stopped performing the way I was expected broke my heart. The way I still look at the memories and smile.

I fucking hate when I give someone me. Part of me. And they fuck it up by not appreciating it. Like fuck. I loved you so much. I supported you so fucking hard. Would’ve be the loudest on your team. Was the loudest whether they realized it or not and it all just washed away.

It sucks that I cared about them so much and it seemed they never cared about me the same yk.