How They View Me Is NOT My Responsibility
Perception. As much as most of our egos don’t want to admit it, we all care about how we are perceived in some way. Even the people who say they don’t care to be perceived wish to be seen as people who don’t care how they’re perceived.
I can admit I care how I am perceived, but it’s more about who I’m not and less about who I am. I don’t care if people think I’m too emotional. I don’t care if people think I’m corny. The part that gets me is people thinking I’m mean or rude, and that is most certainly not the case. Like, realistically, if someone wants to believe I’m a mean person because of something someone else told them, cool, that’s their choice, oh well. Even with that in mind, it still bothers me. It bothers me that people have gone out of their way to spin a story to specifically make me seem like someone I’m not, so that they can ease their own guilt about how they treated me.
No matter how bad people treat me, I make it a point to remain true to myself and remain kind. There are so many times when people I fell out with gossiped about me, lied on me, did rude things to me, etc, and I never let those things cause me to reciprocate their rude energy towards me. I would always ignore it and move through the situations with as much grace as possible. When you’re like me and you always take the high ground, it always eats people up. Bitter, rude people hate to see the person they want a reaction from give no response at all. It makes them upset because not only are you ignoring their attempts at getting a reaction out of you, but you’re also handling the situation with more grace and integrity than they have the emotional intelligence to do themselves.
It’s so annoying to me, and it’s honestly kind of heartbreaking. You put your all into being good to someone and even put your own feelings on the back burner to keep them happy, just for them to treat you like a villain once you’re tired of being their emotional doormat. It’s always once you stop performing how they expect you to that they decide you’re the bad guy. Am I the bad guy because I did something bad? Or am I the bad guy because I didn’t do what you wanted me to?
I hate how deeply I care for people just for them to always end up fucking me in the end, you know. But all the love you put into the world always comes back. The true kind people always win in the end, not the people who are constantly trying to prove they’re the kind person thriving. I don’t have to tell the world I’m having a great life despite the way other people have treated me because I feel that satisfaction in my life. I don’t need to prove it or validate it on the internet.
This honestly was just kind of a brain dump based on some things that have recently come up in my life. As always, though, I hope someone finds something that helps them or brings them comfort here.
Much love,
Ayannah <333