Pursuing My Passion

well- the one I’ve been avoiding at least.

You know how they say the thing you always end up doing when you’re supposed to be doing something else is what you’re meant to be doing? That was a mouthful lol. I always thought for me that was doodling in class when I should’ve been taking notes. Like, hmm, maybe I’m meant to be an artist and get paid for my paintings or something. While that is still a possibility— in fact, a goal, because I want to sell at least one painting in my lifetime. I am just now realizing at 2:08 in the morning that I have been wrong.

I’ll never forget when I was in middle school, my mom got this mirror from one of our relatives. It was a gold, square mirror with an elegant design of some chunky, vintage-like swirls on the border. My parents had nowhere to put the mirror, so it went in my room.

This is what it looked like, but square.

That mirror became one of my favorite things. Every day for a very long time, I would sit and talk in that mirror. I’d often talk to myself like I was a friend outside of my own body, which I still do, and on a psychological and spiritual level, it’s very healthy to do so. I am not crazy (research it if you think I’m lying.;p)

ANYWAYS.

Sorry, I get off topic very easily, but I’ve been trying to implement that more in my writing because, for one, it’s my personality, and it makes me unique. But, also because I feel like it makes writing so much more personable and interesting. I love when I read other people’s writing and I can tell they talk damn near just like they write.

Back to the topic at hand. Not only would I look into it and talk to myself and be my own best friend, which was very healing for me as someone who was struggling to feel seen by their friends, but I would also pretend to film YouTube videos. Now I would say that it was just some funny childish thing I did as a preteen, but I am twenty, going to be twenty-one in December, and I still do it. I’ll be in the middle of doing laundry, and I’ll stand in my mirror talking to an imaginary audience like I’m filming an “A Day in the Life” video. I know a lot of people do it, but like what if we stopped pretending and actually did it?

Imagine having a passion for art and just pretending to paint, lol. You can’t. I have a passion for sharing my life with the world. I love my life, I love my personality, and I feel like people would genuinely enjoy seeing it, too. In this day and age, people record themselves doing just anything, and it works because there are so many people out in the world that SOMEONE is bound to like you. That is the very reason assholes, racists, homophobes and other shitty people keep platforms, someone likes them and what they put out. Someone agrees with them.

I’ve been thinking about pursuing this calling of mine for a long time, but as most humans do, I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been doing it in micro ways to avoid fully putting myself out there, but also to still put in some effort.

I’m a college student who didn’t get housing (AGGIE PRIDE *she says in exhaustion*), so getting a summer job has been a very big goal of mine. A few nights ago, I was trying to go to bed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation my father and I had about applying for more jobs. As a believer, I went straight into prayer. After I talked to God about my worries, he reminded me that I already knew the solution to my problem, but that I was just avoiding it. I opened Substack to read a few articles to calm myself back down, and I came across an article that I felt was confirmation.

You might be broke but at least you'll be happy

Shout out BrittoMonse because this was amazing and deeply needed for me.

But also, two days ago, I saw a guy saying how people get on TikTok and record themselves eating cornstarch, basically reminding those that want to make content to just do it because it’s people up there doing somewhat controversial, nonsensical things with no shame. That really shifted my perspective. One person had to say yk, what I have a guilty pleasure of eating cornstarch, and I’m gonna post myself eating it because I know I’m not the only one. Now there are several people on TikTok eating cornstarch (I know because I have indeed watched a vid or two. God didn’t put me here to judge 😂)

Then, before I decided to write this post, I saw this guy’s video about 5 things he knows for a fact now that he’s 32. The first one was “nothing matters. You might as well go for it because no one really knows what they are doing anyway.”

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTjgHVPcf/

Then I had an “a-ha” moment, and it all clicked for me. DUH! Nothing matters. Every day is not promised. And just as he said, NOBODY has it all figured out. Just a couple of days ago, when I was yet again acting like I was filming a video, I was thinking about all the people I went to high school with who have come across my fyp being content creators. One girl has an ASMR page. Way more bold than a do my makeup with me or a “story time” if you ask me.

I was saying how, when most people see someone they know making content, they watch or scroll. Maybe they’ll give it a like or maybe even comment, but either way they don’t give as much of a shit as we think they might. I was in high school 2 years ago. The same people I went with are also pursuing dreams and filming TikToks in the process; whether to promote their music, share their art, or do ASMR vids, lol. Why should I give a fuck about what someone else may think about me posting videos?

Not to mention, I go to an HBCU, the number one HBCU at that. North Carolina A&T. Damn near every body there makes content and films TikToks and YouTube videos.

Then I realized it’s not my peers I’m afraid of, it’s my family. But again, why give a fuck. Half of them I don’t like and the other half- wouldn’t give a shit. They’d like, comment and move on. Now, if I twerk or talk about something family-related or “controversial,” then they might have something to say. And even still. Why should I care about their opinions? I know who I am, and I only care about God’s opinion of me and my own. And when you talk with God before every move, it’s easy to make sure your actions are pleasing him.

Whew, this has been a bit of a long one lol, but if you made it this far, thank you. Your time is greatly appreciated.

I am using this post as my beginning to becoming the version of me that films content and shares her life with the world through not just blog posts and occasional IG stories, but videos too.

Thecreativereality on Pinterest

If you can relate to this in any way, I want to wish you good luck on your journey. And regardless of what you believe in: God, the Universe, creator, source, or none of the above, at least believe in YOU. Forget other people because this is your life and yours only. Do what makes you happy and pursue whatever the fuck that thing is you’ve been putting off while you still have time to do it.

Much love, Ayannah! <333