Puzzles

A few days ago I had to have a very hard conversation. It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. I felt so broken. I felt so upset with myself. I wished I was different so that things could have went differently. But this same night, I realized something about myself. I uncovered something I’d been trying to wrap my head around for a long time.

It healed something in me. The same night I bawled my eyes out about one situation, I finally put another to rest. That’s literally what healing is all about. Being broken into pieces over and over again, not to immediately put them back together, but to allow the empty space to exist. To put some pieces in different spots. To use brokenness and emptiness to create something entirely new. 

We are puzzles that break, bend, and change. Puzzles that have to be taken apart and put back together constantly. Not with the same old pieces and patterns, but with new ones. Pieces we haven’t become comfortable with yet. Pieces we didn’t know would belong and make us feel more at home with ourselves.

I keep breaking myself and being broken so that I can fall apart and become anew. It will never not hurt. It will never be pretty, aesthetic, and “HeAliNg eRa asf,” but I will come out better and stronger every time.

I will fall again. I will break again. But like flowers and rain, my shadows will guide me closer to the light. For every fall, I will rise. Every tear and scar will be bandaged and healed, and my battles will simply be the prelude to my wins. 

My puzzle will never be fully complete. It will always change. I am okay with that. I’m okay with breaking, for every rip will lead to a new page, a new chapter beginning after a painful one ending. An opportunity to put myself together again in a new way and be someone completely different, but exactly the same in the most perfect way.